the ends, and ultimately, the beginnings

 11/14/2024

It's scary. Everything.

20:15

i have sparks by coldplay playing in my ears, so you know it's about to go down.

oh, life life. scary life.

hospital and brain and bed and pills.

raw prunes in my stomach. and life.

i went to the hospital today. the ems had to come pick me up from work.

i couldn't move, i couldn't breathe, my head hurt, i was pale and i couldn't think.

i can't play it out normally in my head now, it wants to rush right through.

they ran me out of the building on that stupid bed in front of everyone.

i squeezed my eyes shut from the pain trapped in my forehead.

i thought i was dying.

i told the doctors, and they ran tests. 

the doctor. he looked at me so sadly. he looked at me as if i were a worm on the floor.

"do you have anyone to talk to about stress?"

none of it was real, physical.

it was just a bad panic attack. a bad dream. and now i'm sitting here wondering what's real or not. 

i tried to explain to him that there was a choking thing in my throat that was quite literally stopping me from breathing. he said there was nothing there. 

it was globus hystericus, something bred purely from anxiety.

who knew. 

i sat there, unable to think.

iv in my arm and people staring at me. everybody was looking at me. 

i couldn't use my brain, if i thought about anything the pressure weighing down on my head started to hurt terribly. so i sat there, empty headed. blank mind, my eyes going from the guy with the nike shoes next to me to the old man with the barf bag in the corner to my phone that was playing some random movie i was using to distract myself but didn't work because how could i distract myself.

i tried to stop it when it happened, i really did. i tried the breathing and everything my therapist taught me. but then i realized i couldn't feel my mind, it was already gone and it was too late. 

i couldn't breathe in. help me God.

i talked to people, friends, my therapist. I talked to God.

God knows i can't talk to family members.

and now i have to go back in tomorrow, to face everyone who saw me rolling out, high up in the air.

pinches. pricks. tears. 

nothing was there, nothing was there. 

i prayed to God ten times, i prayed to him to please help me breathe. I was literally going pale and shaking, how could it just have been my head?

Why wouldn't God please help me breathe?

a little person in my head, pinching the nerves, stopping me from doing things. 

a little person in my head, stopping different parts of my body from functioning.

screw him. i never liked him anyway.

i'm going to sleep, and meditate. 

11/16/2024

Who was that girl, sitting on the stairwell in Spain? 

who was she?

children outside playing, shouting and screaming, "amanda, amanda" outside my window.

i do not listen. i do not turn.

11/20/2024

Someone is biking in the rain.

I drive, leaving the appointment i've been waiting eleven months for. My mom asking me if i found anyone else to take me.

I'm having divine awakening. I really really really don't belong here.

And as i drive, i realize. I'm waking up from a soft dream.

Time to undo all the damage that was done.

11/22/2024

Thank you God for keeping me on this beautiful green earth. Even if i'm not sure where i am right now.

It all hurts, but where is the pain going? where does it stop? Where does it end?

i realize, i've never been happy.

not at my parents house, not living by myself in oregon, not living with a roomate here. the only place i was ever happy at was spain.

my heart hurts, it pangs and it hurts. bring back the life i once lived. the sights i once saw. the music i was felt. the people i connected with.

bring them all back.

spontaneous trips to graveyards, to food joints, to anywhere.

standing in a row at the edge of the cemetary. four slavics, one romanian, and the single one american.

please, bring me back.

oh , how i grieve. it feels i may never get my heart back until i catch it on a plane going to another country, another land. please, God. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

11/23/2024

I stir the tea with my finger. Salty salmon on my tongue.

Shocks up my stomach, shocks up my body, electricity.

Mind trapped, trapped in this house. Everybody has moved on. No one's mind is in the past.

What happens when i go back and nothing is like i remember? How am i supposed to move away from soft sweet innocence, peaceful bliss that i may never get again?

What is wrong with me?

I touched different parts of my house and prayed over it. This war isn't mine, but the Lord's.

11/24/2024 - blur

i hate these flat green lands, i hate hate them.

oh, americans. how lucky we are. to move as a flock, buy groceries, drive home, and then go back to work in the morning. 

how happy we are to live the american dream, to pile packaged goods and canned processed foods onto the cash register. 

how is no one else freaking out? how does nobody else feel so trapped, so suffocated in this?

11/26/2024- sorry for this one

I keep forgetting to write, so much happens day to day and there's so much to remember and so much to do and so much to clean and so much to keep up with. 

But, I did it. I'm freaking out about taxes even though it's nowhere near tax day. I bought the tickets to Italy, with nonexistent money. but i'm doing it.

donors bother me all day, asking if i'm high, asking if i'm always this mellow, asking me if i'm asian, asking me if i'm single, asking me how old i am, flashing 20 dollar bills. i'm tired. 

I can't even type because i'm so tired. 

I need energy, i need to make content, i need to produce, i need to create. i need to keep the creative flow so that i'll amount to something, so that all of this will amount to something and that this all won't be a waste of time. that this healing process will go by and i'll be even better, with a career that supports me and with a side business with my poetry and art.

my psychiatrist diagnosed me with manic-depressive disorder. i don't believe him.