i think i'm going to take a break

12/13/2024 - everything returns, and so do i

 A patient at my job said that he got a free queso cup for his birthday. It made me laugh.

Me and my therapist created a plan. I’m free, I’m breaking free. I’m going my own way, a long way.

20:06

and what a fool i've been

dark spots in my image, i cry

i break, i burn for people who don't love me

so when i leave, when i die

when the very first man to ever raise me

raises his voice at me instead

who am i to judge?
when the golden weight comes down 

when it comes to judge me

when i crack, crisp, burn

how was i expected to love,

how was i expected to tear out this empty heart of mine?
how could i ever believe i could love?

tears trickling down my spine, down my legs

in the woods

on the railroad tracks

on the couch

in the bathroom

every time, every single time

in a coffee shop

in a changing room

and what a fool i've been

the used, being used

the fawn, raped and ruined

on the side of the road.

slowly, my eyes dry and my lips clamp shut. 

everything returns to dust.

12/15/2024

I'm scared.

I'm scared of what my head is doing, it feels like an elephant is sitting on it. I'm scared of my nose and its capability to take in oxygen.

But God is taking care of me, God has got me.

And he will never let me fall.

Lean into the father.

12/17/2024 - from my little notebook pt 1

i slowed down and watched people rush around at work today, and it was beautiful.

I will let my body reject what it wants to reject, and grow how it wants to grow. i will let my body breathe. i will not fight it anymore. 

raw, energy, unique. 

connected.

i will let God bind it and make it beautiful and His, not mine.

i will let nature take its course.

one patient said that i remind him of his dead mother.

a lady came in today who smells like my old neighbor's house from Brooklyn who used to babysit me. she'd feed me old candy and we would watch ballet on VCR.

she used to show me this old doll she would keep under her couch in a box, but i was never allowed to bring her home.

then one day she died, and i never went in her house again. i just remember really wanting that doll. 

when we drove by her house one summer to visit, i imagined the doll was still under her couch, rotting away. 

i wonder if anybody knows it's there.

another lady smelled like an old cabin i went to when i was little. i don't remember what it was or why i was there. 

i realized, time takes up so much space in our minds.

that's why ignoring the concept of time is so freeing.

time is something we made up.

part 2

so many sad stories, so many lives unfulfilled and fought for. 

you inspire me.

i love love love people from other countries. i love hearing about their stories, and their lives. 

the heart pulls

and tugs at 

something it

cannot have.

little eyes burrow.

everyone has such beautiful and intricate stories, 

i want to hear all of them. my heart hurts for it, it yearns.

I'm remembering the time when i was in Spain baby-sitting a bunch of little kids for an adult event. me and this girl who was with me were trying to find something on the TV for them to watch and this one kid kept shouting "fredbear" and it took me a second to realize what he was talking about but when i did i laughed so hard my stomach was hurting, and i couldn't stop.

Let God deal and say what He needs to say to your past selves, not you.

20:00 - boyhood/girlhood

with glazed breaths, i open my mouth

the difference between us two

the cherry-topped trees

and bright yellow swings

with frozen lids, i open my eyes

the connection between us

our boyhood and girlhood

like two trees that grow nearby

we entangle, we intertwine

soft little fingers, touching the leaves

we know ourselves all too well

tip your body backwards,

and i'll tip mine

catch me on the swing, hold me softly

as her head brushes the ground, her body floats

burnt red knuckles gripping the chainmail

a breath of freedom, a gasp of air

and then the dreaded fall down again

through the dirt, through the trees

i know myself all too well

12/20/2024

i twist, i turn

i bend beneath the shadows

and i see you there

in the clearing, where the woods open

past the hole i cannot yet reach

i burn, but i cannot be fooled

i twist, i turn

i grow cold

like the winter sky

12/26/2024

my heart pulls, it tugs

i try to pull back on the string, resistant

but love lets it go

the two of us, intertwining, slowly becoming one

my subconscious can never let me get comfortable

but my heart knows

your eyes, your heart, your laugh

and deeper i go