the art of small things
10/3/2024
I feel like the more i share things on the internet about my art the more cringe it gets.
I don't know, maybe i'm tweaking. everybody wants to hang out again and i keep canceling so then it turns into a whole thing where i have three hangouts back to back after work and then on my only free day. how does that even happen.
someone asked me if he could be my bf and i just laughed at him.
so many people want to know why i don't want a relationship. because all i need is the Lord, that's why. the Lord my God.
Stay in the present. Everything is okay. peace, peace, peace.
threw away the stupid moldy oranges in my kitchen btw. good riddance.
10/11/2024
Hello love. Hello life.
Hello beautiful trees that droop so softly, bend beneath the wind. Hello limbs that stretch out and sway, fingers that stretch out to the sky, and bend beneath softly.
Hello love, beautiful sky. Hello lungs, breathe, breathe, breathe.
The creation is mine to enjoy, mine to ingest, my lungs are full of flowers.
The butterfly on my arm, where did it come from?
That was another life.
Twisting forward, beauty to beauty, and ash to ash.
To create, what does it mean?
God feels like clear air. Not the type that is too crisp to breathe in, or too stiff to move in. Low, subtle, still. Clear so that the sun can travel through the little vibrations in the air and reflect off of your face, and the window pane.
He isn't physical, but he is so near. He is so, so near.
Come soon, Lord Jesus.
My air, my lungs, there you are. You give, and you take away. And I stand forever in awe.
You do what you must to protect me.
Even on the hard days, when I choose to do things on my own, my own way. You carry me without hurting me, you hold me in the creases of your palm without damaging my gentle spirit.
Even as I try to run I feel the pull, the gravitational pull so strong it feels like my skin is being pulled right off of my bones. My heart being tugged in the opposite direction.
Yaweh.
You know me, I know you. You know where you want to lead me. And I know too.
And I will make it there, just please be patient with me.
I know you will.
A gentle breeze, my spirit.
Carry me softly between the trees.
My Lord, my light, my lighthouse.
I breathe, I cry, I breathe.
10/13/2024
Lost, tunnels and tombs of empty shadows.
I am weak, unamused.
I do not listen, I do not turn.
do i really want to take what will kill me?
what i have been avoiding,
praying for and running away from.
deep down, my heart knows this was never the answer.
withdrawals with nausea and pain, all for a sound mind.
i can be sound, i can be okay
You will lead me that way, i won't give up on your plan,
on your medicine.
Continue to cleanse me.
This world so vast, my arms so small. You, carrying it all, and what can I ever do?
Should i start? should i try? maybe on a day off, i will feel okay.
i become aware of my surroundings, aware of how i can pick up and leave.
aware of the path i take on my own.
You tell me to take it slow, and still i go.
My hands, typing typing typing on the same keyboard.
Going to the grocery store to pick up my medicine, driving all the way back home.
Ignoring familiar faces, faking the rush by blasting loud music.
Blasting loud music, drowning out my mind, the silent noise.
Love, love and life it gives me.
And I go.
And I'm sad, and I cry, and I go.
how much more should I go?
10/16/2024- oyster
It's funny how it works.
I open up my mind to the present, and suddenly the clock isn't a ticking time bomb that slowly counts down towards the minutes, the seconds until I'm free.
Planes fly overhead, as I am trapped here down below.
Life moves, as I pack up my car and things and try to move along with it, edging my mind forward cautiously so as to not freak it out as much as I would if I completely shoved it into the wide abyss of the future.
It's going swell. I think.
God won't let me die, that's for sure. God won't let me burn out, God will let me keep going or fall into whatever place he's leading me to. To where he wants me to be, and what He wants me to be in.
He, of course, is in everything.
Trees, leaves, calling.
My picture taped to my wall, a small Amanda, puffy winter coat, trapped in a small space of time in New York City. My mind can't even hold her memories anymore, or even fathom what she was feeling or experiencing. I wonder if she knows that.
Life beholds its beautiful hand and I am beginning to reach out, to grab it.
Life turns like a merry-go round around me and I clutch on for dear life, wondering when it will finally stop still.
Oh life, how far and vast you will go. And to think there's so much more of it.
So many more countries, so many more dark places, so many more places of light. So many more people, so many more shelters, more food, more endless grass, more crowded cities.
The world really is an oyster, a mysterious beauty that few have yet to crack open.
I want to crack it open.
I want to explore all that it has to offer, all that it is and more.
10/17/2024- i love my heated blanket
There was a ladybug on my bed.
I got off of work early on the wrong day.
I feel like I am finally becoming myself (I'm doing my hair).
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