the art of needles and neural pathways

10/22/24 - untitled

The epitome of life circles its way around my head.

One person who came to my job smelled like my Vacation Bible School from when I was five years old. Another smelled like my group therapy room, and one other smell I can't remember but I'll tell you when I do.

10/24/24 - don't touch me

My mask smells like something I don't like.

Sterile, white hospital rooms. The ice cream shop in Oregon. Yuck.

It's not exactly a yuck, more of a sad nostalgia. A nostalgia I didn't want, nor ever want to go back to. I don't want the smell of walnut praline ice cream filling my nose. I don't want the bad flashbacks, i don't want to feel bad, the tense feelings.

Somebody let me go.

Someone help me breathe.

i went to the hospital. it's so weird, being in the hospital reminds me of Oregon. and then i think about things i don't want to think about.

and then i get hurt by things i don't want to get hurt by.

the remembering. that's what hurts.

a new horizon, however, is ahead of me, and i will have to keep going.

i'm scared i'm going to lose my job.

day by day, that's how it goes.

home, then work, then therapy, then endoscopy. that's how it goes.

10/25/24

Dealing with depression is a little weird.

I never believed I would have PTSD, or major depressive disorder.

Actually scratch that, I did, but nobody else did.

I am trying different things. Partial hospitalization, and now therapy and medicine. 

Jesus.

At the end of the day, when I pray, God makes things better if I believe. My therapist wants me to try meditation, but it scared me. I think that I need to find my right method with Jesus.

Diets, doctor's appointments, schedules, physical therapy, therapy, work, chores, college, housework, bills, hospital trips. 

God loves me, God is helping me.

Because I'm not dead yet. I was supposed to be dead a few months ago, but God saved me. And now I am trying things, and finding my way.

My body feels funny, and I breathe in.

With God's help, I circulate the air in my lungs, the blood circulates throughout my whole body, and I breathe out. Because God is in the air. God is in my lungs.

And He holds me.

People will not always be around to tell me everything is okay with my body, to do X-rays and tests and CT scans and poke and prick my body with needles or use millions of wires to read my heart. At least that's what my therapist said. I need to listen to God. To push past the anxiety, all the way through.

It's scary at first to be alone with my mind.

It's like a huge whirlpool of thoughts that I can't even touch yet, and if I do it stings, and I quickly draw back. 

One day the storm will not hurt anymore, and I'll be able to think and remember things.

For now, one day at a time. Heal and grow and take care of the blooming flower.

Let God be magnified.

Less and less of myself, more of Him.

And to not let my mind convince me otherwise.

10/26/24

Had a really bad panic attack today. worst one i've had in ages.

10/27/24

The song "A New Kind of Love" reminds me of the time when I was way younger, first moving down to North Carolina.

Staying with my cousins, homeschooling, eating at a diner and laughing so hard hot chocolate sprayed out of my nose (sorry about that one).

I was playing Mazzy Star at work and one of my patients asked me who she was, because it sounded so comforting. I liked that a lot, sharing little pieces of music with people. Of course, no one will recognize Soundgarden or The Cure, but that's because we're in North Carolina.

Today, I got another word, in the pews. I need to separate myself from my body, let myself not be connected to my body, and instead connect to the spirit, to God's spirit. My body will fail me anyway at the end of the day, but if I just remember that my body is temporary and is separate from my spirit, then that will make pain all the more easier.

Not necessarily easier. But different.

10/29/24 - day 1 effexor

I was burping A LOT. a lot a lot. I would talk more but I am so tired. my brain feels weird and my eyes feel dry. hopefully it'll get better tomorrow. 

10/30/24 - i'm scared of effexor

I gave up on it. It was too scary.

My back hurt and I couldn't sleep and everything was a wild dream. At least with my panic attacks I can go to sleep. And go to work the next day. I was stuck laying in bed until 3pm today.

God, please please please grant me everything I need to go to Norway. I can't do it on my own, if my job and body both fail me. Give me the power and strength to go.

I love having friends, however. Even though it's not like what I felt in Oregon, it's okay. I have a lot to think about. People, places, my future. My health.