a small excerpt from last year

For context... 

these entries are from last year when I just arrived back to America from my three-month trip and was the absolute epitome of dazed and confused... so please consider that while reading (rip).

11/8/23 1:07 PM

Due to not having the greatest internet connection the past few days, it's been really hard to sit down and write something. but now I'm back, and I'm writing during the day which is so new and weird for me (everyone is up and about and the sun is out) because I think best and write best when I'm deliriously about to fall asleep. But anyway, I'll try my best. Just a quick update. Tomorrow we're leaving for Paris at 3am. Then home, 10 hour flight of watching airplane movies and turbulence and flying in the dark and through time like last time. I never would've thought we'd be on the plane back so soon. It's like a weird fever dream, all of this. When I look back on this three months in the future, after my volunteering, will I believe that all of this has happened? Will I even make it through volunteering without losing my mind? We'll see. I didn't think too far ahead, and what's left of my brain is barely being held together. I can't really use it correctly right now, or even think about using it. I can't even read Sylvia Plath for more than two minutes, which is horrible because I'm supposed to be the book-loving-always-carrying-a-book person. It's devastating, honestly. And when this is all and done, I'll be the same person. The same, but with a little difference in-between.

11/11/23 12:12 AM

Well, I have to say. Being back here but being on my own makes things feel really weird. Going to a Walmart feels really weird. Working out in the closet feels really weird. Only being sure of where I'm going to be the next three months is weird. I watched Phantom of the Opera with the new DTS, and it was weird. I met new people, looked at the old places that we used to have good memories at. Met the same people. It's so weird, being here, doing things on my own. I also forgot to dye my friends' hair. I'll do it tomorrow. Traveling is still making me lose it.

11/12/23 8:25 PM

Today was a lot. I don't even know what to say. The shower wouldn't work and a bunch of other things happened. It's the end of my break so we'll see how it goes.

11/17/23 3:43 AM

It feels so weird. Everyone is leaving, the people I've been with forever since I've been in Oregon, and all of this is finally over. I'm going to be a volunteer. I'm going to be on my own for a little bit. It's so weird. I'm convincing myself I still need to be single, I wonder if I still need to be single, and all the things. Men are weird, and the things they do with their family are weird. .I cant keep up with them. I have to work to stay here, and I can't keep up with it. I have to fundraise to stay here, and I can't keep up with it. Too much, too much, too much, and I haven't even started yet. Then thanksgiving is around the corner. Far away from home. I'm free, like I always wanted. I just wish there wasn't the question of boys on the mind, because then I could be truly free. 

A girl from the newer DTS had to leave because she was seeking out a guy instead of Jesus. Is that just how it is? Help me God, help me God. Help me stay here and breathe. Help me live here and breathe. Help me and guide me and make peace with me and breathe. I can't handle the back-and-forth-ness of men. I can't handle it God. Please help me.